It’s Going to be Okay

Getting back into a habit of anything is hard. You’d think I would have learned this lesson by now, but alas, here I sit with absolutely nothing accomplished of attempting to get back into the swing of things.

I have my bullet journal all started, but I haven’t touched it in days. I want to get it back up and running. I have a habit tracker in it, but that’s a disaster and a half. I did at least get my gym clothes washed, so I might stand a chance of going and working out tomorrow, but who really knows what tomorrow brings.

At least I’m writing now, eh? Not like I’ve done that consistently either…

I’ve recognized in myself that there is a strong streak of self-sabotage in me. (Go figure.) I try something, fall off the wagon, and immediate it becomes “welp I screwed that up, may as well utterly destroy everything I was trying to do.” Didn’t exercise? Clearly this means I can eat an entire pizza now. This is the way my brain works.

This is not a very productive way for my brain to work.

So it’s a matter of finding a way to actually inspire myself to do the things I need to do…and not decimate myself if I manage to not do it. I know why I fell off the gym wagon: scheduling around…uh, July or so made it difficult, and then there was a holiday, and then there was travel. Then I started again but needed to stop so that I could finish my audiobook work. And then I had NaNoWriMo, and got sick, and then it was Thanksgiving and Christmas and I just couldn’t bring myself to care.

And now here I sit in January, wondering why I’ve been paying for a gym membership for the past 7 months or so without ever setting foot in the place.

But the fact of the matter remains that I need to lose weight, and this is two-fold: I need to stop eating everything I see, and I need to do something more than sit on my butt all day long. When I was at the cafe, this was easier, because I was on my feet for work all the time. Now that I am in the insurance industry again, it does not lend itself to motion much. So back to the gym.

I don’t really mind this. I like the gym, basically. I don’t like exercise, but I like gym machines and whatnot. Once I get back into the swing of not being totally sedentary, I can pick back up Zombies, Run! and return to Abel and the land I love so much. For now I can trundle on a treadmill or a stationary bike or something, along with a book and probably some music. I can occupy my brain and keep myself moving. That’s all I really need.

And yes, I need to fix so many other things. My eating needs help. My everything needs help. I need to write more consistently. I need to think about making videos again. I need to get working on the edits for VOICE IN THE DARK and see if my long-ago beta readers found anything. I need, I need, I need. The list goes on and on. And what I have finally come to terms with is that I’m okay with it. I’m going to need a lot of things, and I’ll probably need them for a while.

But it’s okay.

This is all a process, and it’s not going to be instant. As much as I’d really like it to be, these things take time. And I’m going to screw up. And I’m going to backslide. IT’S OKAY.

It’s hard to believe myself. But it’s okay.

I’m going to be okay. One of these days. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even in 2018.

But I will be.

(Because my brain can’t handle the alternative.)