I am not lost…

March 14, 2014

The Pit

Filed under: General Blog,Personal — R @ 2:49 am

I thought I’d give you all a break from the spam of last Thursday, and so I didn’t post a new review on Tuesday. I’ll be back to my usual routine  for next week, however.

…With any luck at all.

(Hah, got interrupted by a phone call and now I need to figure out my train of thought…oh yes.)

It’s undiagnosed, but I’ve struggled with something that at least resembles depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. It’s gotten better with some things, and worse with others, and some days I just can’t get out of it. Today’s been an odd day, since I was in it…and then got out…and then managed to fall back in.

I call this the Pit.

See, I knew all day long that today was a writing blog day. I have a schedule up on my wall that tells me when I want to post things. Thursday is writing blog day. When am I writing this post? 10:30 at night. I’ve had all day. But I didn’t write anything. I did the same thing with my inspirational newsletter last night. I wrote it at 9, 10 at night because I hadn’t managed to get myself up to it before then.

Apathy-based depression is a pit I cannot climb out of easily. I sit, and I think about all the things I should do, and then I watch Tumblr go by. I sit and stare at nothing. I wait the hours out and end up accomplishing nothing…and then feel guilty at the end of the day and hope that tomorrow will be better.

But the cycle keeps looping.

I’ve done very little creative writing since my residency. I want to, but I can’t figure out how to make myself care enough to get the writing done. I don’t go to sleep until 2 am, and then I don’t wake up until 11. This isn’t productive. I want to be writing.

So how can I?

The unfortunate thing is, I don’t know yet. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I’m planning on an excursion with my housemate this weekend; I’m hoping that will help. Getting out among people, doing some light shopping, having lunch with a fellow author…it should be good. Then maybe coffee with another friend on Sunday…?

I’m hoping to get together with another friend who I haven’t seen in a while sometime soon as well. It’s a lot of travel for an unemployed starving artist, but I can’t stay in the house all the time. I need to get out and move around. I have to do something. I have to do something.

And maybe, just maybe, it’ll get my writing flowing again.

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