Tales From the Café: Out of the Mouths of…Customers?

Time: Friday, 3:15 pm

I may not have any of my own, but I know if you hang around kids long enough, you’re going to hear some crazy stuff. The Internet has lists of creepy or clever things kids have said with absolutely no prompting. I’d put it out there that it’s not just kids who say these things. I mean, look at politics. Some things that come out of people’s mouths…

That’s not the point. The point is I’ve heard all kinds of people say all kinds of ridiculous stuff. But I’m not sure anything quite beats the woman who was talking to Zöe.

It was a brief conversation. Just long enough. I’d finished placing her order–a mozzarella chicken panini and chips, very original–and had turned around to start polishing glasses to put away. It had been a strangely busy lunch for drinks, and if I didn’t get some of these wine glasses cleaned and put back up on the racks, we were going to be hurting for dinner.

We’d just bought more glasses. I didn’t want to go back to the days when we didn’t have any.

Said woman was wearing a fur vest. Now, I’m no member of PETA or anything, but fur has always put me a little on edge. I eat meat so long as it doesn’t still look like the animal it started as. So fur, particularly anything that looked like her vest, was right out of my list of Things Hunter Liked. Her vest was very separated, so opposed to it being one solid “cloth” of fur, it was just as if some fur trader had made it–all different pieces of fur. A hundred little puffs of something, all making up this clothing.

I don’t get it. I truly don’t.

But it looked nice enough, and she wore it well, and Zöe clearly didn’t have any of the issues I was having. “I love your vest! Where did you get it?”

“Oh, I can’t even remember. I’ve had it for ages. But isn’t it great? A fur vest of little dead bunnies.”

It took every ounce of my willpower to not choke on air and fall over. I froze for a split second before returning to my polishing, chancing only the slightest look over at Zöe, who looked like she’d been hit in the face by a two-by-four. The woman smiled and walked away with her number and water glass.

Zöe looked at me, still stunned, and I coughed on a laugh. “I…” I didn’t even know what to say.

“You heard that, right? She just said that.”

I nodded. “That she did.”

Her voice dropped to a stage whisper. “Who says something like that?!” I was still biting back my laughter. “Why would you say that? I mean, I know what fur is, but Jesus…”

I just grinned, looking down at the glass in my hands. “I have no idea, Zöe. I really don’t.”

“Dead bunnies. Oh my god.”

A/N: Still to this day have no clue why that was this woman’s response. Not inaccurate, of course, but…yeah.


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